Why So Many Men Don’t Know How to Be Intimate and how to fix it.

Why do so many men buy sex? Why do so many even very young men not have success in matters of intimacy?  And why do many successful and even happily married men not know how to be intimate?

It's curious how we can be next to someone, but not with them.

An example are couples in restaurants that share a meal in silence and do not even look at each other, or they look at their phones.  And I'm sure that your attention has wandered while talking to someone or trying to focus.  We suddenly realize that we aren't focusing and bring ourselves back to the moment - or not.  We also immediately notice when someone isn't really present with us.  They think about something else and look at something other than us.  And sometimes we find it hard to come back to the present moment and let go of what had dragged our attention away...

Where are you in moments of intimacy?

You are where your attention is, not where your body is.  The consequences of where your attention goes are immense.  If you pay attention to intimacy, the quality of intimacy will rise. But if you go through these moments with the mind miles away, you'll miss their beauty and healing effect. Another huge impact of your attention is your capacity to connect.  You must pay attention and be present in the moment in order to connect.

We all long for connection as we are social creatures. Companionship is based exactly on this principle. Men who hire companions don't buy sex. They buy connection. Intimacy is the strongest form of connection. Sex is a physicalization of connection. Connection is abstract - we can't touch it. So if the connection is strong, we sometimes physicalize it through sex.  Love, friendship, companionship, good communication, teamwork, belonging, loyalty, trust, intimacy, and a sense of being at home in life all require connection.

In contrast,

disconnection shows as mistrust, no commitment or ownership, not listening, no care, value, respect, satisfaction, coordination.  So what does it mean to be fully present?  We cannot fully connect to someone if we do not connect to ourselves, our bodies, the present moment.  And without connecting relationships turn into sour loneliness, communication turns into a ping pong of information and assessments, intimacy turns into a collection of mechanical movements.

Yet with all these consequences to our attention we [in the west] live in a culture which does not train us to pay attention to our attention.  Our attention wanders. We are bombarded with opportunities to have our attention stolen by novelty, media, technology, drugs, stimulants, gossip, and sex. We live in constant stimulation to take our attention away.  The Western culture elevates cognitive skill as the dominant mode of knowing and being.  Yet when we go fully into thought, we disconnect from others, the moment, our bodies, emotions, and selves.

Connecting to intimacy

Men who do not know how to be intimate are preoccupied with work, problems, and don't know how to connect with themselves.  The greatest challenge of relationship, intimacy, life is to be fully awake, aware, attentive to the present moment.  Awareness creates choice. Choice is an exercise of attention and connection.  We connect to what we attend to.  This is a skill that grows with practice of paying attention to our attention, presence, connection, and the quality of what we produce in our connections.

This is where life, relationship, intimacy, and taking care happen, and where we create the future we share with others.  Where are you?  You're where your attention has taken you with or without choice. Remember this especially during your moments of intimacy. After all, if you're not to be fully in them, why pay for them?

And if this lesson resonates with you because your attention wanders more often than you'd like, let's sharpen your focus together!

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The Light Bringer To The World